


you say i turned out fine (i think i'm still turning out)

by commonemergency



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009!Phil, M/M, Original Character(s), Sexuality, blink and there's dan, this is mainly phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-07-18 20:51:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16126490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commonemergency/pseuds/commonemergency
Summary: Maybe it’s because he’s supposed to have his life figured out in a couple of months, maybe it’s the fact that the loneliness is getting to him. He doesn’t know, but he’s changing even if it’s small change, it’s still something.or a night at the club, a stranger, and AConfusedPhil.





	you say i turned out fine (i think i'm still turning out)

**Author's Note:**

> shoutout to the younger version of me who studied abroad in england and tried to figure my shit out in the middle of clubs. that was dumb but it makes for interesting stories. 
> 
> i had this idea about a day ago and didn't know where i was going with it in the first draft, so i scrapped it, rewatched some old AP and then picked it up again. 
> 
> this is pretty much all phil before dan but blink and there's a dan mention.

Phil is drunk and he’s in a club because his friends forced him out of his dorm. They claim it’s because he’s been staring at his computer for too long. He backfires that he’s finishing his University projects soon and that he needs to get his shit together _or else._ The ‘ _or else_ ’ doesn’t have actual repercussions, it’s just Phil is a dramatic drunk sometimes and it got a laugh so he thinks that he did his job. 

He gets made fun of for ordering “ _girly drinks_ ”, and Phil being the person he is, orders them more out of spite. His friends aren’t bad people, they’re accepting except when it comes to his drink options. _That might actually be a dealbreaker,_ he yells over the music, if he can’t enjoy a fruity drink over Britain's Top 40’s then what’s the point?

It’s late enough in the night and he’s sloshed enough to want to pounce on someone with a warm mouth or maybe, in the back of his mind, to cuddle someone. His level of intimacy ranges each minute and there’s a lot of cute boys here, but they’re probably 1. Taken. or the worst one 2. Straight. 

_AstupidPhil_ , he whispers under his breath, he’s standing in the back of the club now by the loo. This isn’t exactly prime spot but it’s dark, and not directly in the center of attention, a place that he doesn’t really want to be right now. He’s social with his friends, but when it comes to strangers that’s where he feels the most stumped, he’s got enough liquid courage to probably be a little brave tonight but there’s a bit of a pit of anxiety when it comes to trying to get with someone, especially in such a place so small surrounded by his friends who he loves very dearly—but also maybe a bit afraid of. 

“Hi,” someone says, they got nice brown hair, and Phil can’t tell if his eyes are brown or green, there’s a word for that but he can’t quite remember it now. 

And then, “Hazel,” he says with a small laugh. 

The person raises an eyebrow and he shakes his head. “Sorry, I was trying to think of your eye colour and I couldn’t remember until I did.” 

The guy smiles, and he laughs at Phil’s rambling and it feels good. It feels really good to be noticed in this kind of way. Phil felt like he was in the background of people’s lives for so long that being noticed for a short moment was nice. 

“You have really pretty eyes,” The guy says back, and Phil notices that they both have blue drinks. Maybe this is their only connection, but he’ll take it. 

“Thank you, I grew them myself.” He knows it’s stupid the moment he says it, but the guy laughs anyway so maybe they are trying to reach the same goal and this was their way of doing it. 

“Do you want to go somewhere more quiet?” The guy says, taking a sip of his blue drink. 

Phil’s heart is beating fast but he nods. 

*

Phil has kissed a few people. Well, he’s kissed _enough_ people to say that he has a little experience, but since he’s drunk it feels like everything in him is on fire, and he knows that it’s just more of an onslaught of too much tongue but it feels good, it feels _really_ good. He’s pressed up against the door in this guys apartment but he feels a little dizzy. 

He’s panicking a little, and it’s not just one thing it’s a lot of things that he’s panicking about. He didn’t text his friends where he was going, he doesn’t even know this guys name, but at least he’s not too far from campus and there’s pictures of family members and friends on his wall from what he’s seeing so he’s not a murderer. He’s got that going for him.

“Hey,” he says, sighing at the feeling of his lips against his neck. 

“Hey,” the guy says, he pulls back, their foreheads are touching and Phil doesn’t know how he’s supposed to feel. 

“What’s your name?” Phil asks, his hand is running up his arm. He didn’t even notice that he had a tattoo of a bird there. He’s fascinated with it, it looks like there was a lot of detail that went into it. 

“David.” He says with a laugh. His smile is nice, his laugh is nice, all around David just seems really nice. 

“Okay.” Phil says, pressing another kiss to his lips. “I’m Phil.” 

“Do you want to move to the couch?” David asks and Phil kind of forgot where they were for a second. 

He nods, following him only a couple steps from the door. His heart still feels like it’s stuck in his throat and there’s a big buzzing going on inside his brain, and it’s loud and it’s thumping. It’s partially the alcohol and partially the fact that compared to a lot of other people in his friend group he wasn’t _that_ experienced, it was just enough to say that he knew some stuff. He doesn’t even know how to position himself, and he’s swaying a little which is a sign that _maybe_ , he shouldn’t. 

He moves to sit on the couch next to him, and David closes the space again, but the angle is awkward and Phil is sitting uncomfortably. He sort of laughs against his lips before pulling away because it hurts his back. 

Phil is thinking about all the possible places that it can lead to, and for someone who doesn’t like to think that deeply all that much, he knows that this won’t turn into anything more, and that makes him feel sad in a way _knowing_ that it won’t turn into anything more than just this, but he doesn’t know him. He could be a shitty person that just wants to get into his pants.

“Do you like Buffy?” Phil blurts out and the guy is confused for a moment. 

“Buffy…?” he says with an eyebrow raise. 

“Oh no.” Phil says, dipping his head into David’s shoulder. He wants to memorise the way it feels to be in this position with someone. It’s comfortable, and he feels warm. 

“Buffy, who?” David says with a small laugh, wrapping an arm around Phil. 

“I don’t think this will work out,” Phil says again, he gets a shiver enjoying the way it feels to have a hand on his back. 

“No?” David questions, and Phil pulls away and he moves his body so that he’s half laying down on the couch. His head is spinning. 

“I’m supposed to be finishing my school projects soon. Like not that soon, but like, soon.” He says with a sigh, he puts an arm over his eyes and he can hear a ringing in his ear. “I have no idea what I’m doing with my life, so I’m a _little_ bit stressed out.”

David nods his head, maybe trying to understand but he doesn’t. 

Phil holds his head up a little. “You are very cute but I don’t know what I’m doing and the room is spinning.” 

“I’ll get you some water and a blanket, Phil.” David doesn’t sound disappointed, he just sounds tired, which is another thing they relate on. It’s a very small list including: blue drinks, liking boys, and feeling tired. 

If he knew him better, he’d ask to be held, but he didn’t. So he takes the water gratefully and wraps himself up in the blanket. 

Phil doesn’t know what David is saying when his head hits the couch’s armrest again, but he thinks that he hears the door to his room close. He’s alone again, but this time he’s grateful. 

*

When Phil wakes up it’s because of a pounding headache and the need to wee. He slowly gets up, feeling the headache right in between his eyebrows. He sighs quietly, getting up from the couch that he was laying on and the empty glass of water on the coffee table. He doesn’t want to use his restroom because he doesn’t want to wake him up. 

Phil grabs the empty glass of water and his phone and walks to his kitchen. He gets more water from the sink and drinks the whole damn thing before getting another cup of water and then calling one of his friends. 

His friend answers on the second ring, “Phil? Where did you go last night?” 

Phil looks down the hall to the closed door and he whispers. “Uh. Can you pick me up?” 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll pick you up.” 

Phil hangs up and places his phone back in his pocket and puts the empty glass in the sink. He looks around David’s flat for a piece of paper and pen. Everything hurts, moving hurts. He sits down on the couch when he finds what he’s looking for. 

_Sorry for leaving without saying goodbye. I figured that would be less awkward. I’m not that fun to be around when I’m sober without my coffee. You are very beautiful and if I were more confident in myself (and more sober) I would have taken it somewhere else._

_Ps. please watch buffy the vampire slayer._

It’s too much. Phil knows it’s too much but he leaves it on the coffee table and quietly walks to the door to wait outside for his friend. 

He feels weird, sleepy, and aside from the headache- he’s a little sad. He doesn’t know why he’s sad but he is. It had been a fun year of figuring himself out but there were just moments where he let his guard down and just felt this overwhelming sadness because he didn’t really know where he was going with his life and at this rate he was scared that he’d end up alone because of his inability to connect with the guys that he meets in his life. 

Maybe it’s not all of his fault, but it sure felt like it sometimes. 

When his friend pulls up he gets in the car and rests his head against the window and he groans. 

His friend reaches over to place a hand on Phil’s shoulder. “You’re alright, mate.” 

Phil wants to give him the middle finger but he huffs instead. 

“That bad, yeah?” His friend turns right and Phil winces at the sharp turn. 

“We just made out.” He can still taste the nasty morning breath mixed with whatever he drank last night. 

“That’s better than nothing. I had a sad wank and went right to sleep.” 

Phil laughs, but it hurts to laugh. “That’s every night, yeah?” 

His friend gives Phil the finger, and he feels a bit lighter even if there was an anxious feeling still in the pit of his stomach. They’re on campus now and it’s starting to rain a little by the time he finds a parking spot. 

Phil doesn’t leave the car, he just rests his head against the cool of the window still, trying to silence every loud thought that he has. 

“I like boys,” Phil says, opening his eyes to look at his friend. 

“Yeah, I know, Phil.” His friend smiles at him, there’s a gentleness in his voice and it doesn’t calm down every nerve in his body that’s telling him to run but it’s comforting to know that other people knew even if Phil wasn’t exactly subtle about it. He really wasn’t subtle about it a lot of the time, but it feels different saying it out loud. 

Maybe it’s because he’s supposed to have his life figured out in a couple of months, maybe it’s the fact that the loneliness is getting to him. He doesn’t know, but he’s changing even if it’s small change, it’s still _something._

“Okay I just wanted to say it out loud,” Phil’s hands are shaking slightly, but that may be because of a lot of other things. 

“Okay. I hear you.” He smiles again at Phil. 

It’s quiet for a while, no other sound but the rain against the window. Phil draws a smiley face on his side where it’s fogging up.

“I also don’t know what to do about the future. I wanted to say that out loud too.” 

“Okay.” His friend says with another smile. “Anything else?” 

Phil shakes his head slowly, wincing at the sudden movement. 

“No. Maybe later. I think I’m going to go sleep the rest of the day now.” He’s got his hand on the door and he looks to his friend. “Thanks.” 

He gets out of the car and and waves goodbye to his friend. He tries to fast walk to his dorm but he’s accident prone and knowing him he’d slip and fall into a puddle making his morning infinitely worse. 

When he gets to his dorm he collapses on his bed letting sleep find him again. This time it’s in the comfort of his own sheets and not some stranger he met. 

*

The next time he talks his friend again, his project is finished and he’s getting ready to settle back home, and he asks how Phil’s been. 

“Better,” Phil says, and it’s true in some ways. He may not feel like he’s got complete control of his future but he certainly doesn’t feel all alone anymore. He’s got his videos, he’s got his family, he’s got his friends. 

He’s got a _new_ friend, but it might be something a little more than that. He doesn’t know, and he’s not gonna force anything. It’s just nice to have someone to talk to. 

Dan is very loud, but he listens, and says that if they ever met he’d watch Buffy from start to finish with Phil. That’s all he could ask for.

**Author's Note:**

> comments/kudos appreciated! 
> 
> talk to me on tumblr/twitter: **@nihilismdan.**
> 
> [reblog](http://nihilismdan.tumblr.com/post/178557595128/you-say-i-turned-out-fine-i-think-im-still) on tumblr.


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